Things No One Tells You About the Loss of a Pet

Anyone that has had a beloved pet knows that one of the hardest things you will ever do in life is decide when it’s time for a sick pet to cross the rainbow bridge. Growing up we had pets and I experienced loss, but recently I lost the first dog that I owned. I still remember meeting her for the first time nearly 15 years ago and bringing her home.

I was devastated when I noticed an odd lump on her head in late August. It turned out to be a super aggressive form of cancer that had literally eaten away her skull bone. Radiation was an option to try to prolong her life, but there were no guarantees she would survive the treatment or that it would help at all. Instead I did my best to let her live her remaining days to the fullest. She had to stop doing her therapy work so I tried to supplement her life with other experiences like going to work with me or joining my friends for a tailgate or going for car rides. I also finally made the Three Musketeers Halloween costumes I had wanted to make for years.

When it was time to take her, I wore the jacket I wore to pick her up and take her home. I couldn’t believe I still had it. I cuddled her in my arms, on my chest with her beautiful head resting under my chin. I brought with us the stuffed penguin the breeder had given me when I brought her home. The idea was that the penguin was with her and her littermates and it would bring her comfort as she adjusted to her new home with me. Unfortunately she threw up on the penguin on the car ride home so I’m not sure how much of her littermate’s scent were still on the penguin after it was promptly washed. I did, however, think it was still comforting to her and it would help her pass more peacefully.

Although I had been through the loss of a pet before, there were some things for which I just wasn’t prepared. It is so much harder than I realized.

Crying So Much That Your Eyes Swell

I knew this day was coming as much as I wanted to ignore that fact. I had hoped she would make it to her birthday on Sunday, November 11 and she did. But, by that afternoon, she took such a turn for the worse that I knew I had to take her in on Monday. It was as if she knew she made it to her birthday as I had hoped for me and then she was ready to let go.

I thought I was mentally prepared for the loss. I thought since I had cried so much when she was diagnosed and when I learned there was nothing that could be done to cure her, that I would not be such a mess when I had to bring her in. I am grateful for my amazing veterinarian who helped me though it. I am grateful for the opportunity to hold her as she passed. But I cried and cried and cried so much for the next few days that my eyes literally were swollen almost to the point of being shut. At first I thought I had somehow infected my eyes, but no it really was just from crying.

Guilt for Cleaning

After leaving the vet’s office, I went home and knew I had to clean. She had had some accidents in those last few hours on her bedding and on the floors. I washed her dirty blankets and bedding and the floors. I knew I had to do it to be sanitary, but I felt so guilty washing everything. It felt like I was washing away her memory and her existence. It made me feel even worse because I was really not ready for her to be gone and it was as if I was making it happen even faster.

Lack of Others Understanding

In those first few days after she died, friends and coworkers expressed sympathy and I greatly appreciated their kind words, but it felt like there was a lack of truly understanding my loss. I didn’t feel like working. I didn’t want to go out. I wasn’t ready to have fun. But to them life was going on and I should be taking full part in life right away.

My college roommate called me later in the week I lost my pup, while I was on a business trip, and she shared with me details of the loss of her dog earlier in the year. For the first time I was talking to someone who truly understood what I was going through and it was incredibly helpful.

Guilt for Letting Your Pet Suffer

Once my girl was diagnosed with cancer, I knew I had to prepare for how to understand when it would be time to put her to sleep. I didn’t want her to suffer, but I also didn’t want to cut her life short. My vet gave me some resources to help me understand what dogs go through near the end of life and how to evaluate quality of life. One of the articles she shared talked about how most people regret letting their pet suffer for too long.

We had good and bad days over the last few months of her life, thankfully many more good days than bad. It became very clear at the end that it was time. Nonetheless, I had hoped that when I brought her in my vet would say there was some magic shot she could give the dog to make her feel better. I wanted her to be with me and I wasn’t ready to let go. As much as I wanted her to live longer, I knew I couldn’t let her suffer and I felt guilty for the suffering she had already experienced.

Grief of Remaining Pets

I had read an article about how when a dog’s person dies it is helpful to let the dog sniff the person so that the dog understands the person has died. Using that logic, I brought my other dog with me when it was time for my girl to cross the rainbow bridge. Although I think it helped him process her passing, I was not ready for his reaction once we got home.

For the next month and a half, he refused to sleep in the dog bed they shared at night. My usually highly food motivated dog was no longer waking me up for his breakfast or asking for his last meal of the day.  He was losing weight and was demonstrating signs of separation anxiety. He had never lived alone and he missed his companion.

I am working on finding him a new companion dog, but that brings a whole host of new guilt – feeling like in doing so I am replacing my girl.

Even Months Later You Still Cry

I intended to write this blog post in November shortly after her passing, but I just couldn’t bring myself to get the words out. Now about 2 and a half months later, I still burst out in tears when someone mentions her passing or when I just miss her. Christmas was especially hard. The passing of a pet is so much harder than most people realize and the grief is real and lasting.

While I will always wish I had more time with this amazing dog, I am truly grateful for the quality time I had with her and the joy she spread to so many people. I know one day we will be together again in heaven and I will finally be able to fully understand her and why she did what she did.

How do I know this? Well, two days after she died, I was on a flight to Boston for work. As I fell asleep, I saw her running through a sunny field of tall grass and she was so happy. It made me feel a little better thinking she was at peace. The next day, my mom told me that she had seen my dog in a dream that night and the way she described what she saw was exactly what I saw while asleep on my flight.

My first question for her will be, “Why were you always licking your brother?”